Hello one and all and welcome back to Home and Away for the 2021 season.
The show begins after a mighty long recap and the producers give us exactly what we want, as they know they have delivered a lacklustre finale.
It picks up at the jail, and Colby doesn’t breathe, which Dean (obviously shirtless with tattoos blazing) just so artistically juxtaposes with sweeping drone shots of the bay.
The defibrillator is whipped out by Lewis, but Colby can’t be revived.
Unfortunately, we don’t see how Colby ended up in this lifeless state, but then I remember this is a family show that allows affairs, robberies and drug transport, but it would be too far for a shanking.
Lewis is played by Luke Arnold, who last year entered the final and was already dubbed Johnny Depp as a poor man. But now I don’t know if calling Lewis, Depp, since Depp has been “cancelled” is offensive now.
The suspense is disrupted anyway and the life of Colby hangs in the balance because Kieran (Martha’s long-lost son with a violent past) zhuzhes up his CV, which is just thrilling TV.
Kieran drops it off in the gym where he bumps straight into Jasmine, but it’s all right because Jas wanted to put her first and very intense meeting behind her.
Next up is Dean, who’s also not going to see Colby in prison.
“I’m sure he’s not going to relive the nightmare like hell,” Dean says.
It’s clear that Dean hasn’t gone to jail since he was released, which is just what Bella is saying.
Back to the ambulance as Colby has a seizure and hurtles into the hospital.
Jas gets to work, her other position at the hospital where Dr. Christian Green, aka Budget McDreamy, updates everyone from the corrections department on the new patient.
My suggestion was not heeded by the poor bloke, because he’s always in the same clothes.
Between Lewis and McDreamy, there’s obviously something going on, so they all throw a little shade at each other.
I say, if the new characters did not have unanswered conflicts eating away at them, it would not be Home and Away.
No doubt the patient is Colby, anyway, so it’s a treat to Jas, who always gives us a stunning spectrum of emotions.
McDreamy takes Jas aside and advises her she should sit out this one, but she refuses because her only hope at raising a baby is now Colby’s sperm, so he must survive.
There are a number of doctoral terms, but the blood flowing from Colby’s ears is of utmost importance, which I know would suggest damage to the brain because of my years watching Grey’s Anatomy.
“What did they do to you,” utters Budget McDreamy with sympathy.
I note that while he’s near to death, Colby doesn’t bother me as much.
Back to ol ‘mate Deano who keeps to stubborn ways and maintains that he won’t visit Colby even if what he’s been through is what his best friend is going through at the moment, plus if Colby didn’t take the wrap together they would be in there.
I assume the point has been made, so to further highlight the risks of incarceration, Dean bursts into a monologue.
I don’t think Dean has ever put that many phrases together.
You do not understand, no one does, until you have been there. No matter who you were before you went in, you’ve got to start all over again, you’ve got to win your spot, you’ve got to fight your own battles, and that never ends,’ he says.
“I’ll take you to jail if you want to do so, but I’m waiting outside.”
Back at the hospital, Jasmine offers some ‘tude’ to the guards.
She wants to call Bella, but the guard says that it’s a matter of security.
Your customer is a convicted killer, like it or not, and there are procedures in place,” the extra dressed as a security guard says.”
Gee, I hope there’s a guest spot for this man.
Poor Jas is almost in tears.
Bad Depp, though, is a nifty guy and can outsmart the guards.
In person, they pay Bella and Dean a visit to remind them of the seriousness of the situation.
They’re obviously up to something because two masked giant guys match blood and sand tattoos when Bella and Dean break into the room of Colby causing a commotion.
I presume that the River Boys who were mocked in the trailer are these dudes that the filmmakers are trying to cover the faces of.
Bella is inevitably reduced to tears by the sight of the nearly dead body of her brother.
Budget McDreamy returns from the uproar and breaks up the reunion. He does, though, have a rather commendable bedside manner.
Weak Depp and Jas hug it out.
Bella and Dean think about how they can defend Colby, but if he’s gone, he won’t need protection.
Ha, I was talking too early because COLBY Shifts!
No one finds out about the gym gig while Kieran is already going on, which just reinforces how delusional he is because he obviously does not have the cold heart and false smile needed for customer service.
“This gig at the gym is great. Kieran argues, “Why she wouldn’t give it to me?”
Anyway, it switches back to the wedge between Martha and Alf that Kieran is driving.
“Not appropriate,” Martha insists, “would take care of Alf.” “It’s not appropriate for him to leave.
Just to be sure, the sound isn’t as ominous as it sounds, and it doesn’t appear like Alf will be killed by Martha.
Alf gets into a huff, either because Kieran stays or because Martha leaves.
Alf backs down a little as he learns that he may risk his love again, and he warns Kieran, naturally.
“I’m going to watch you like a hawk,” says Alf.
They would both go to therapy and figure things out if it was real life, but there is no chance Alf would commit to it. But a divorce is inevitable, I suppose.
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